Unveiling The Dynamics Of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Relationships

Lifestyle Collective November 13, 2023

By Kiko Dametra

When we enter a relationship, our behaviour patterns impact how we relate, communicate, and interact with our partners, becoming the relationship dynamics. While a healthy dynamic fosters trust, equality, and compassion, if it is unhealthy, it may result in emotional distance, resentment, and anger between the partners.

Modern relationships are diverse in forms and structures, and monogamy is no longer the only norm. This can make navigating the dynamics challenging. One concept that has gained attention over the years is the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) style relationship. Like any other concept, this approach has particular motivations and implications if adopted. Let’s take a closer look at DADT relationships.

What Is A “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Relationship”?

Open relationships, ones allowing people to see others outside the relationship confines, are becoming less taboo. However, in a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Relationship, partners agree not to inquire about or disclose aspects of their romantic or sexual interactions outside the partnership. 

Concealing details about external interactions can promote peace in the relationship. 

Why Do People Choose DADT Relationships?

The structure favours monogamous-leaning couples that can’t embrace polyamory but still want an open relationship. Choosing this structure allows them to maintain the illusion of monogamy while still exploring intimacy with other people. 

Here are a few motivations that push people towards this relationship dynamic:

Independence 

Most of us value our freedom, which is no exception when it comes to relationships. Adopting a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Relationship allows couples to explore connections outside the partnership without feeling judged and constrained. The resulting sense of privacy can also help preserve individuality within the relationship.

Avoiding Insecurity

Jealousy is common in most relationships, but we can only be jealous because of what we know. We become insecure when our partners engage in more positive and fulfilling romantic interactions outside our relationships. For most of us, not knowing the specific details of our partners’ external interactions minimises the feelings of competition and worry. 

Prioritising Emotional Connections

We may sometimes believe that focusing on commitment and emotional connection is more essential than knowing the specifics of the external interactions that our partners have. By being discreet, we prioritise building a solid personal foundation with our partners without putting too much concern into their outer experiences.

Personal Growth

In relationships, we sometimes conform to our partners’ beliefs and desires, which may contradict our true preferences. DADT relationships allow the exploration of personal passions and interests outside the relationship. They enable the pursuit of connections and experiences that align with our personal development goals without hurting the feelings of our partners.

Avoiding Relationship Conflict

When partners in some relationships disclose details about their external interactions, it can lead to disagreements and arguments about the decisions that they may have made. Avoiding such discussions helps maintain harmony in the relationship and reduces the likelihood of emotional turmoil that results from full disclosure. 

Flexibility

Like every other individual, the desires of partners can change over time. A DADT relationship offers a flexible framework for adapting to the evolving needs of our partners. As new opportunities arise, it is possible to navigate the changes without redefining the relationship boundaries as long as there is respect for the person and the DADT arrangement.

Intimacy And Connection In A DADT Relationship

Our behaviours can affect the connections that we have with our partners. Adopting a DADT approach impacts levels of intimacy, resulting in emotional boundaries within the relationship. Limited disclosure about external interactions requires high trust to maintain the primary relationship. A DADT approach relies on trust between the partners and the hope that they respect the agreed-upon boundaries.

Additionally, a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Relationship poses unique communication challenges. Omitting or withholding information from partners can hinder an honest dialogue, leading to understanding gaps and misinterpretations or assumptions about feelings. Therefore, it’s essential to regularly check in with the significant other to ensure their emotional needs are being met. 

Would A DADT Relationship Suit You?

Before getting into any relationship, it is wise to determine what we want and what can make us happy. One good question to ask ourselves is: how do we feel about our partners’ exes? Do we feel irritated when service providers, for example, bartenders, flirt with our partners? We must consider how we feel about their past or future interactions with others.

It’s essential to discuss whether the relationship will potentially change in the future, perhaps if children enter the equation, for example. How will you handle the situation if a DADT relationship no longer works for you?

There is no exact scientific answer, but if you feel uncomfortable discussing these aspects, you may need to redefine your relationship or consider seeking what you need elsewhere. 

Relationships are often challenging, so it is vital to understand yourself and the dynamics that work for you before you commit to a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell situation.